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  • Writer's pictureKate O'Sullivan

The Pregnancy

& the antenatal depression

 

When I fell pregnant I was absolutely terrified - I didn’t feel ready (no one ever does apparently)… so much so that I lived in fear throughout the entire pregnancy, what if I didn’t love the baby, what if motherhood wasn’t for me, there was no turning back if this turned out to be the case. I resented my partner for continuing his life as normal - pints with the lads, stags, weekends away while I sat at home in misery. I hated my body changing so much that it disgusted me and I wouldn’t let my partner even cuddle me. People would say to me “oh you are at the lovely phase of the pregnancy”… and I thought, what lovely phase? I was also terrified of hospital - what if something happened to me or the baby? Maybe we should be married in case I died during childbirth. I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant until I was over 20 weeks because I wasn’t able to talk about how overjoyed I was feeling because I wasn’t feeling like that I was terrified. I avoided my friends. I didn’t want to talk about the pregnancy as I wasn’t feeling how society says you should feel. I felt guilty, I was able to conceive so quickly I should be grateful, what about all the people who struggle to have kids. There were some weeks I cried almost every day and my partner didn’t know what to do or who to call. I felt no connection to the baby inside me which I was told would come when the baby started moving - it didn’t.


Medication -

I had been on a low level of Prozac prior to having the baby but felt it was the right thing to do to come off it in case it could harm the baby. However this made me seep into a very low place (daily crying as mentioned), so I went back on the medication and throughout the pregnancy as I navigated even more lows it was increased to the highest dose.

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