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  • Writer's pictureKate O'Sullivan

Things that haven’t helped

Yoga retreat

My counsellor had said to me back in November, that I needed to go away for a couple of weeks to help with my recovery – and to have a complete break from parenting etc.

I eventually got around to this at the end of March (for two days, not two weeks!), and I found it very hard. I felt such extreme anxiety on the way there – my mind was racing. “What if I don’t like it”, “What if I am the only one there on my own”, etc. I was also wracked with guilt thinking I wasn’t spending enough time with George.

When I got there, there was lots of people on their own and it would have been enjoyable had my head not been all over the place. I found it hard to stop the continuous cycle of thoughts in my head so couldn’t fully relax and enjoy the yoga / the break. I think a break like this would have been of more help when I was feeling a bit better.


Family trip to Portugal

Portugal was tough, I wasn’t going to go but I did in the end. I didn’t feel strong enough to go and put on a brave face pretending everything was ok when it wasn’t. I felt guilted into it because my brother was home from Australia and wanted a family holiday, and my partner was looking forward to it too. When my brother suggested the holiday I did kind of think what was he thinking wanting a family holiday - it’s not like we were the Walton’s when we were younger.

But we (me, my partner and George) had our own apartment but to be honest as I don’t really enjoy spending time with George at the moment it wasn’t a holiday - also having to get up in the middle of the night to feed him on holiday is relentless and exhausting. My mam was amazing and helped us loads and even stayed on to mind him so we could go to a wedding which we enjoyed but overall I found it hard.


Peoples opinions

So a couple of people have said this to me now and it really grates on me.

“It’s not George’s fault”

Like do these people think I’m an idiot - of course I know that BUT I didn’t ask to feel like this. I don’t want to feel like this and if I could change it I would. Do people honestly think that I want to be depressed and not enjoying life, not being able to look forward to anything and sometimes not being able to see how I will get through the next hour not to mind the day or week.

Why am I on various medications and attending 3 separate mental health experts- hardly for the fun of it, I of course want to enjoy George and enjoy motherhood, I want to have a bright future to look forward to.


The christening

The christening was took place the first weekend in May, it was nice however I was anxious in the run up to it as it came straight after Portugal. To be fair my mam did all the cooking and we had lunch and then a few friends and relations called afterwards for cake.

What was unhelpful was the stress of organising it - it was something my partner was keen for us to do while my brother was home from Australia. I again would of liked to have waited until I felt a bit better before having it but then again who knows when that will be.


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